After starting a farm business with a learning curve similar to a figure 8, quitting my job, and coming back from a major illness… I’m back, almost. I can’t wait to start writing again for I think of new ideas to present my old memories on a weekly basis. God bless you and YOUR healing in the weeks to come. Craig
We’re gathered around for circle style prayer in church. Most people were praying intently with eyes closed, squinting even. An older lady in the back is more than half asleep but that’s okay, she gets my grace. Her eyes are also squinting shut so she’s probably praying during her dream.
I then had this unstoppable curiosity to look at my iPhone to see what time it was. Ten minutes left. We all know that when 10 minutes comes God himself will be finished speaking through our words of prayer, so everyone will stop talking almost at the same time, it’s uncanny really.
How did I gain all this wisdom? My eyes were open during prayer. To make matters worse, I had a couple of weak moments and I looked around. While typically this is my solo exercise in quiet rebellion, this time it was different.
I looked up to see Bob across the group looking at me! I seriously considered interrupting the person in the middle of prayer to immediately lay hands on me and this other voyeur but I was too ashamed and said nothing. Besides, our 10 minute time frame was up. Bob and I never spoke to each other again after this day.
I went home and checked my bible about closing your eyes during prayer. It says to “pray unceasingly…” Wow. I’m now considering a vow of blindness for I don’t know how to do something all the time while keeping my eyes shut. Lastly, please forgive me for having my eyes open as I write this “confessionary” tale. I need prayer.
Just like our memories, this picture is blurry. It also cuts my head off. Our memories like to do that too, for it’s easier to not remember bad events than to relive them. If we allow the memories to come clear, there is a fear that they will take over our lives once again, but that doesn’t have to be the case.
We have a choice. A choice to forgive, to love, to live in the present and hope for the future while still remembering and learning from the past. The pic is also blurry since it’s a Polaroid shot that I scanned into a .jpg so it’s not all symbolic and deeply poetic. Stay tuned and stay strong in God for He loves you and will take that burden from you like an anvil tossed into the ocean. Yeah, it’ll make a big splash and ripple around but then it’s gone…
I love this pic for it shows my mom at her wedding about 2 months after she got out of a very long stay at a mental rehab center due to her bipolar/Schizoaffective disease. She met the guy a few weeks before (can’t wait to tell you that miracle of a story) and now they’ve been married almost 20 years. I also found my head and the memories that belong inside it. I embrace ALL the memories now for the greatest adversities can bring the greatest miracles.
The “Sandwich Generation” with a twist, or should I say twisted. We need support, empathy, and maybe a gentle direction if asked… all done with humor baked in so the sandwich leaves you felling filled.
Raising kids and also helping aging parents who suffer from mental illness, Alzheimers Disease and other major challenges makes you feel like you’re the over-cooked meat in a sandwich. You need support and as a blog and community we can get that started. I’m working on a book, Caregiver Kid: Growing Up With a Bipolar Mom to be of further assistance which should be published in 2013.
So many people are afraid to talk about their struggles for their sense of pride and duty to support their loved ones makes caregiver stress a real issue that stews under the surface but trust me…you can’t “wait it out” you need to GET IT OUT. You’re not alone and hope is near for any who ask.